The UnEmployed ME

So I guess I am the only one who can be so incredibly overjoyed at the fact I am unemployed and at the same time being insanely nervous and worried. First, I wanted to be home with my SBG every day and be her primary caregiver. I wanted to be the one to see every special moment, every "a-ha" light bulb that goes off in that imaginary cartoon bubble above her little, curly-haired head. But I wanted to do it on my terms. I didn't want to be forced into being just another number, just one more jobless American, just one more teacher without a classroom. Be careful what you wish for...it may just come true. So here I sit at 10:45PM on a Sunday night with my SBG tucked safely in her too-big-for-a-princess queen-sized bed surfing the internet, reading others' blogs, looking at Facebook, rather than hoping my SBG will sleep soundly until 7AM, so I can wake her up after I get myself up and ready for work, running around with sweat beads on my forehead as I try to gather up all my bags for work and her bag for school. I love, love, love being home with her. I can't say that enough. I just wish I could have made this happen on my time schedule, not the state's. And ironically, I am just as nervous about getting the phone call letting me know I have my job back as I am to have to call that dreaded hot-line to certify that I am truly unemployed.

Hi Gramma!

To conclude the last post... I ended up spotting the following day and for a few days after. On the next cycle.

I wrote a long post the other day and then "lost" it. Grrrr... I will try to re-create it as best I can. I wrote a while back about my great-grandma. She passed away in April. I am so extremely fortunate to have known my great-grandma for 37 years! And to top that I also had the priveledge of knowing my great-great grandma for 23 years! Not many people can say that.

So the other day my SBG went to my newly cleaned bedroom and found an old hymn book from church. I recently re-decorated our bedroom (a surprise given to my husband when he returned from his deployment) and I had some old books my grandpa gave me, so I put them in a lined wicker basket and placed them on my night stand to add a little to the decor (and strategically placed to hide the hideous eyesore of an alarm clock we have). So as I was saying, my SBG found this hymn book and I asked her if she wanted to sing songs from it. She said yes with a huge smile on her sweet face. With that I took the song book and we headed to the living room where we both lay on the couch preparing to sing our little hearts out. I opened the song book, which I haven't looked at in a very long time and had never really paid attention to this inside front cover. It read "this book belongs to ... and had my great-grandma's name and address".

I smiled, looked up and said, "Hi Gramma!" and then my SBG and I sang church songs for about 20 minutes (-:

Define ME

I was trying to think of a title and wondered "what defines me?" I thought of so many things... I am a Christian, a woman, a wife, mother, daughter, friend, police wife, Army NG wife, teacher (unemployed as of today) and infertile (augh... what a word). So I guess in trying to decide how I could choose a title I figured the best thing was "Define ME"... and that is what I intend to do. With each post, I hope that who I am becomes a little bit clearer, not only to anyone who may read this, but to myself.

So here goes... my most recent feelings have been regarding the "infertile" me. First, let me say I am truly blessed and never take one moment for granted with my 2-year old. She is everything I wished for, dreamed about, and more than I ever could have imagined. If I don't have any more children, I can honestly say, she is all I need. I am so happy to have her in my life. She has the sweetest disposition (don't know where she gets it from), telling me "thank you mommy for my food" or "thank you mommy for putting my clothes on me". I mean the smallest things I do for her without even thinking about and she is sure to let me know how much she appreciates me.

That said, lately, as in the past couple months, I have had that nagging, will not leave my brain, feeling again... ya know that one that screams "I WANT ANOTHER BABY" so loud it hurts? Ya, that one. I think one reason is that my sweet, precious "baby" isn't a baby anymore. She's almost 3. Another reason, that sweet, precious big girl is constantly talking about a brother or a sister. Usually it's a brother. Sometimes a sister. Insert knife in heart. I would LOVE to say to her she will have a brother or sister someday, but I just don't know. 7 1/2 years of TTC (that's trying to conceive in case you aren't a fellow TTCer and have no idea of the acronym)before getting pregnant with her was a LONG time. A journey that will be a part of our lives forever. It has played a part in defining who I am today. It has played a part in how I parent, how I relate to others, how I live each day, even still. And I can say that as much as I went through. As hard as it was. I would do it all over again, if the path leads me to my Sweet Big Girl (as she no longer allows me to say "Sweet Baby Girl"). She is worth every year, every dollar, every tear, every shot, every pill, every blood draw, every staple, every stitch, every IV, everything I had to endure. And I guess that is why I want to do it again. I want to experience this joy and love and fun and excitement with another person too. Or with 2 more people or even 3 or 4 more. My husband and I always wanted 5 kids. We know realistically that is not going to happen now. But we are both getting that "baby fever" again. So I decided to chart again this month. I haven't done this for years. I won't go into detail, but charting your basal body temperature is one way to help with planning a family. I had a textbook chart. I ovulated on cycle day 14 (cd14) and had a 14 day luteal phase (LP). I started AF (aunt flo...aka menstruation)on Thursday (2 days ago) and although I had "symptoms" such as being super tired and feeling bloated and being thirsty and blah, blah, blah... none of it mattered when I took my temp Thurs AM and as I was taking it AF made her appearance.

Then that day turned into a super, great day! My cousin had her baby boy (3 1/2 weeks early) and my long-time friend was coming to visit me (it had been a year since we had seen each other). All was well with the world again.

I just let the whole "may be pregnant" thought escape my mind. Today I took my SBG (Sweet Big Girl, I think that will be her name on here now) to a birthday party and realized that by 1:30PM my AF had stopped her visit. So now here I sit wondering what in the world is going on??? Am I starting early menopause? Did AF just decide to go for a walk and she'll return in a few hours? Am I? Could I possibly be? NO! Don't even let that thought creep into the surface of your brain.

And that is where I am right now... wondering what is going on???? (uh-oh is that a slight cramp I feel????)

Welcome Back!

It's been a long time since I have written. I know at this point no one is reading. I don't care. I just want my feelings and comments down for me to read. I titled this "Welcome Back" for 2 reasons... Number ONE ... My husband has returned from Afghanistan and actually has been home for 3 months! It's amazing how fast 3 months flies by when he's here and how S-L-O-W 3 months drags on when he is gone. The second reason for the title is I am back on here writing (-: I think I am going to change the blog title and the focus (or rather NOT focus). So I am hoping to use this to write about anything and everything going on in my/life. I hope to spend at least one night a week to get everything out.