I'm baaaaack... again.

As before, life happens and blogging becomes a distant memory. Recently on Facebook a few of my friends have posted their blogs (some new and some returning) and it made me realize how much I enjoyed blogging and how much has happened since I last blogged. I still haven't let anyone know this blog exists. One thing about me, I am a great secret-keeper. (-: So yeah it's been up here for 5 years and no one really knows about it, except me. I may send a link to my husband, so he can read it. Who knows maybe it will give him some insight into my feelings? But for now it's nearly midnight on the last Saturday of my winter break. My SBG is now 7. I can't even believe it! And I am wide-awake wondering what direction I should take on this blog. I have so many things going on in my mind right now... work, my husband's career (he just graduated with is Master's degree! Yay him!), our family life, and still that ever nagging little voice that lives deep in my mind and in my heart that still, still after 15 years of marriage and one precious daughter, whispers to me that I still have a chance at being a mommy again. I am 42. I have been pregnant exactly ONE time without any medical intervention that resulted in our SBG. I have been pregnant exactly 3 times as a result of IVF all ending sadly. So my track record is not good. I have moments when I think I am too old to have another baby. Our lives will change so drastically at this point if another baby comes along. My SBG is self-sufficient. She is acting in our community theatre, on the cheer team, on gymnastics pre-team and takes dance (turned down the dance team). She is independent and self-sufficient. A baby will mean someone else relying on me, nights of sleep deprivation, my body not being my own again. Do I *really* want to go through all that again? And the answer is ... yes! I mean I think so Ok, so I am not sure. So I try not to think about it. I ask God to help me through these times. He knows what is best. He hasn't failed me yet. Even when I thought he was telling me loud and clear "NO", he really was just saying "not yet". So I leave our family up to Him. Some day I hope to type up all my pages of my infertility journey. I think it will help me to make sense of everything if I put it all out there for others to see. I mean why else was I "chosen" to go through the long and winding journey that infertility took me on for 7 1/2 years and now has taken me for another ride the past 6 1/2 years? Maybe my story will bring someone else comfort? Or hope? Or just a sense of knowing she is not alone? For whatever reason though, I was given this path and it is mine to explore. I have to put on my hiking boots and grab my walking stick and trudge through the mud and up the hills and eventually I do make it to the clearing or the beautiful waterfall or the sunset overlooking the hill. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I will try to just live for today. For today I received the best "bear hugs" a 7-year old's little arms could give. I looked in my SBG's face as we sat across from each other at the kitchen table and I saw her smile that lights up a room, even now as it looks like a Jack o' Lantern with her 3 missing teeth and 2 partially coming through. For now I find my blessings in her sweeping the kitchen/dining room floor and folding her outgrown clothes I am preparing to sell and give away. I am grateful I have her to tuck in bed and kiss goodnight and tell her "sweet dreams! I'll see ya in the morning!" For now I am blessed to have her. .