I'm baaaaack... again.

As before, life happens and blogging becomes a distant memory. Recently on Facebook a few of my friends have posted their blogs (some new and some returning) and it made me realize how much I enjoyed blogging and how much has happened since I last blogged. I still haven't let anyone know this blog exists. One thing about me, I am a great secret-keeper. (-: So yeah it's been up here for 5 years and no one really knows about it, except me. I may send a link to my husband, so he can read it. Who knows maybe it will give him some insight into my feelings? But for now it's nearly midnight on the last Saturday of my winter break. My SBG is now 7. I can't even believe it! And I am wide-awake wondering what direction I should take on this blog. I have so many things going on in my mind right now... work, my husband's career (he just graduated with is Master's degree! Yay him!), our family life, and still that ever nagging little voice that lives deep in my mind and in my heart that still, still after 15 years of marriage and one precious daughter, whispers to me that I still have a chance at being a mommy again. I am 42. I have been pregnant exactly ONE time without any medical intervention that resulted in our SBG. I have been pregnant exactly 3 times as a result of IVF all ending sadly. So my track record is not good. I have moments when I think I am too old to have another baby. Our lives will change so drastically at this point if another baby comes along. My SBG is self-sufficient. She is acting in our community theatre, on the cheer team, on gymnastics pre-team and takes dance (turned down the dance team). She is independent and self-sufficient. A baby will mean someone else relying on me, nights of sleep deprivation, my body not being my own again. Do I *really* want to go through all that again? And the answer is ... yes! I mean I think so Ok, so I am not sure. So I try not to think about it. I ask God to help me through these times. He knows what is best. He hasn't failed me yet. Even when I thought he was telling me loud and clear "NO", he really was just saying "not yet". So I leave our family up to Him. Some day I hope to type up all my pages of my infertility journey. I think it will help me to make sense of everything if I put it all out there for others to see. I mean why else was I "chosen" to go through the long and winding journey that infertility took me on for 7 1/2 years and now has taken me for another ride the past 6 1/2 years? Maybe my story will bring someone else comfort? Or hope? Or just a sense of knowing she is not alone? For whatever reason though, I was given this path and it is mine to explore. I have to put on my hiking boots and grab my walking stick and trudge through the mud and up the hills and eventually I do make it to the clearing or the beautiful waterfall or the sunset overlooking the hill. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I will try to just live for today. For today I received the best "bear hugs" a 7-year old's little arms could give. I looked in my SBG's face as we sat across from each other at the kitchen table and I saw her smile that lights up a room, even now as it looks like a Jack o' Lantern with her 3 missing teeth and 2 partially coming through. For now I find my blessings in her sweeping the kitchen/dining room floor and folding her outgrown clothes I am preparing to sell and give away. I am grateful I have her to tuck in bed and kiss goodnight and tell her "sweet dreams! I'll see ya in the morning!" For now I am blessed to have her. .

Getting better...

So hubby and I have been in a slump for quite some time. We get out of it, then back in, and the cycle repeats. More often we have been *in* than out in the past few years. At times, it has been almost unbearable. At times I have felt we have reached the point of no return. But lately I feel like he is starting *get* it. I am not gonna lie. We have been through *a lot* in our marriage. And I would say most couples who go through the things we have together, would not still be together. So for us to have celebrated 12 yrs of marriage is a *huge* accomplishment and one I am very proud of. Neither of us has given up. We both hope for a better future and we both believe it can and will happen. I see people giving up on their marriages all around me. Now, I am not here to judge their decisions, I haven't lived their life. But I know that the divorce rate in our country is astronomical and there is a reason for that. Divorce, while extremely difficult to go through, is often easier than working things out. I know. I have had them cross my own mind. Marriage is HARD WORK. And it's even HARDER WORK when one person is doing all the work, while the other is either ignoring everything or just taking whatever he/she can get. I know statistically we should be divorced. Stats show based on our childhood experiences and family dynamics as well as the things we have endured in our marriage, we *should* be divorced. So why aren't we? Best answer I can give is... God! Thankfully He is number one in my life and He truly helps me make it through each and every day. Without prayer and God's blessings and help, we would not still be married. Guaranteed! Hubby and I also have never viewed divorce as a real option. I say 'real' because we both have said it is what we want at different times in a heated argument, but neither of us will actually follow through with that. We said "till death do us part" and even though I have dealt with things most women would not (and a few things NO woman should), I *still* have the belief that we are in this together and that people can make mistakes and learn from them and never repeat them again. I have always been one to root for the underdog. I have always been faithful and loyal and trusting... to my own detriment some times. I have always felt like I am "responsible" for other people (maybe I need to let go of that). So all that said I titled this post "Getting better" because *finally* (do I dare say this aloud??) I feel that hubby and I are working together as a team. I have felt like we are on opposing teams for so long, I had almost forgotten what it's like to be teammates/partners. We are communicating more effectively. We are tolerating eachother's differences *much* better. We are helping each other and working together. We are a team! So even though our marriage will never be perfect. For right now, it is getting better... much better.

Back in the swing of things

We made it through the homecoming, the 2 weeks of hubby being off work, Christmas, and now my winter break. The reuniting of our family was pretty smooth. Although our SBG has had a few moments where I can see the hurt in her eyes and the reasons behind the behavior she exhibits. I know she wants her daddy's attention. I understand her feelings and why she is confused. She asked me when her daddy came home if I was going to go to Arizona. I had to reassure her I was *not* going to Arizona, nor any other place without her. I won't lie and say things are perfect or even close to perfect. They are pretty far from perfect. There are still moments when I wonder if I can continue to live this life I never would have chosen for myself or if I should just swoop up my SBG and all our belongings and begin a life with just the 2 of us in a new home. Then I catch a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, the one who loves me unconditionally, who wants nothing more than our family to be together and I am convinced I can make it through the next few years. Surely 12 years of marriage is worth the next 5 years of sacrifices, right? So I am doing my best to focus on the good and right things in my life and to let some of the other things go. Letting go is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. ... but I am trying.

Imagine...

If only others could understand the conflicting emotions homecomings bring. The last homecoming our SBG was only 2 1/2 so she was a little hesitant, unsure, and shy when her daddy, who had been MIA from home, scooped her up in his big, lovable arms the first time. Understandable? Yes. Expected even. How long did it take for her to get right back in the groove of their "old" father-daughter routine? About an hour. Now the same little girl is 4 and we are about to have another homecoming. Will she react the same as the last one? I expect some distance in the first few minutes, some changes in behavior, and some great moments as well. Since her daddy has been gone this time, my SBG has been doing well. However, when Daddy calls and wants to talk to her on Facetime or even just have a regular phone conversation, she is often not interested and even refuses to talk. I encourage her to talk, but never force it. I completely understand her feelings. I feel the same way. I have moments when I dream of our happy reunion day and moments when I dread the day he comes home. Sounds horrible doesn't it? Well, let's see if I can give you some perspective. Imagine living a life you never wanted. Imagine your husband going against your wishes and signing up for a career that requires ALL of us to make sacrifices. Imagine how hard it is to say good-bye to your husband several times a year, sometimes for periods of 6 months to a year. Imagine how it feels to see your husband leave your baby, or your 2-year old or your 3-year old knowing when he returns he will have missed out on so many firsts, so many holidays, birthdays, life lessons, good-night kisses and warm, feel-good hugs, not to mention, the moments like deaths in the family that you now have to handle all on your own. Imagine knowing your husband is putting himself in harm's way, willing to leave you and your child, not knowing if he will return. Not knowing if he will be the same man even when he does return. Now imagine how your life continues during his absence. Imagine the daily household chores that now all fall on your shoulders. Imagine the scheduling conflicts, the doctor appointments, the sicknesses, that you are solely responsible for, even though you are also working a full-time job that requires you to not only work your regular "40 hours a week", but also requires time spent in the evenings to conduct home visits, parent-teacher conferences, lesson planning, and preparation. Imagine how it feels to never feel that you are enough because when you are spending time with your child, you are thinking about the 50 things that need to be done before 8AM. And when you are spending hours and hours working, you are feeling guilty that you just let your 4-year old watch "Tangled" for the 15th time in the past 3 months, so you could have some peace and quiet and finish what needs to be done. And then imagine how it feels every morning seeing your beautiful child and her huge smile that covers her angelic, sleepy face when you smother her with kisses and "good mornings" to start your day. Imagine how rewarding it is to see nearly 40 preschoolers show you how much they have learned while in your care. Imagine how it feels to be the one who has successfully managed all the household chores, be both mommy and daddy to your child, and succeed as a teacher. Imagine how much pride, happiness and joy you have had even in your husband's absence. Now imagine your feelings when you are reuniting as a family. Imagine how you must feel? Joy, relief, excitement, anxiety, guilt, doubt, worry. Homecomings are like honeymoons they last a brief period of time, then real life sets in and the emotions that were bottled up for several months while he was gone, all come rising to the surface. All those things you didn't get to talk about daily, now get spewed out in one day. All the frustrations all the resentments all the sadness and hurt and anger, it all comes out. Even when you don't want it to. Even when you know it is probably not the best thing to do. But it happens. So when you ask me when my husband is coming home and then follow it with something like "I bet you are so excited!" Or "I bet you can't wait!" Know that I will politely smile and say something like "yes." or "we are ready for him to be home". But in my head, I am thinking "I am glad he is coming home, but I can't believe he is willing to stay gone from us for so long". Or "yes I am excited. I am also frustrated, angry, and sad that he just missed out on several months of our lives where he was given the freedom of evening and weekends off while I was home working 24/7 as a parent to our daughter.". Can you imagine??

Long time, no see

I haven't had that urge to write my feelings down in blog form for a while. But it hit me tonight. As my SBG is sitting on the floor, totally engrossed in Tangled for the umpteenth time, I felt I would take advantage of my "free time" and write again. My hubby is gone *again*. He left in July and will return in December. Before he left, I told him, very seriously, that if he chose to take this military class our daughter and I would be going with him and staying with him. I meant it! I meant it with all my heart. And I did it! I packed up our stuff and we traveled across the country. And my SBG and I stayed... for 5 weeks. I had been unemployed for 1 semester (as I stated in previous posts), but was called back to work in Jan. 2011. I thought for sure I would be laid off again this school year. But 2 weeks before school started I was notified we would start work on time this year. So after a lot of thinking and praying, I decided to pack up our stuff and move back home. I don't regret it. I needed this time. I love my husband. But I am having a very, very hard time with all this separation and the way our lives are growing further and further apart each day. I feel like I am the only wife of a soldier who doesn't feel just pride and support for my soldier. Of course, I am proud of the work he does. I also despise it. I am left out of a huge part of his life. I never know the "whole truth" about what he does. I am left alone and left to pick up the pieces he leaves behind seemingly with no problem whatsoever. How can a dad leave his child for half of her life and be okay with that? How can he go to bed at night knowing he has a child who could care less he is making money, but wants her daddy to kiss her good night and tuck her in bed and play with her. So am I the only American wife of a soldier who does not "understand" how it is okay to leave his wife and child for months at a time, to not be able to tell us exactly what he is doing, and to act like everything is just as it was before he left when he returns home? It's not okay. It wasn't okay 12 years ago when I told him before we were married that I wanted no part of being a soldier's wife. It wasn't okay 8 years ago when he signed back up for service against my wishes. It's not okay now and it won't be okay the next time he goes away either. People say they admire the strength of the soldier's wife. Really? It's not about being strong. It's about survival. I don't have a choice as far as I am concerned. I haveto get up in the morning and put a smile on my face because I have a child who needs me. I have to deal with the separation, not because I support it, but because I made a commitment to my husband to be married to him till death do us part. I don't like it. I don't agree with it. I don't understand it. But I do it. And I hope and pray that the effects of these deployments and periods of absence do not negatively affect our little girl and her future relationships. So as we celebrated my b-day, his b-day and our daughter's b-day apart and as Thanksgiving and our 12th anniversary approach, I am sitting here wondering how long am I going to be able to deal with this lifestyle *he* has chosen for us.

Can't sleep

It's 12:12 AM (as in past midnight) and I am wide-awake in a non-caffeinated state of surprising alertness. My SBG is snuggled safely in bed. I just finished yet another round of tackling wallpaper removal in the bathroom. Being unemployed has some definite advantages (i.e. trying my hand at much-needed home improvement projects).

My SBG and I were able to Skype with hubby this afternoon. It's always bittersweet when we Skype. I love seeing that he is okay and especially love seeing my daughter's eyes light up at the mere sight of her "hero-daddy". She asked him things like, "How ya doing, Daddy?" as she shyly snuggled her face into the crevice of my neck and shoulder wearing a smile that stretched across her entire face. Nothing is more sweet than that.

It's bitter because I don't want to see him on a computer screen half-way across the world. I want to see him interacting with his daughter here. Which reminds me it was the cutest thing ever as we were talking, my SBG reached her chubby little fingers up to the laptop screen and "held" her daddy's hand as she spoke to him. My heart melted.

But back to the bitter. I'm bitter because I don't understand why he has time to spend hours eating out with his Army friends, but talks for 10 minutes on Skype with me and falls asleep mid-conversation. I have no idea if he is sight-seeing on his down time or if he is working so long each day he goes back to his room and crashes.

I just want, for once, to be first on his long list of priorities. Just once I want to be the one who gets the best of him. I want to see him wide-awake, talkative, laughing. I want to be the one having fun with him.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn... guess I am getting sleepy finally. Better get to bed, so I can get some sleep before I see those big, blue eyes and bouncing, blonde curls come my way.

good-bye again

Good-byes are never fun, never easy, unless it's saying good-bye to someone I don't care for or saying good-bye to a gray hair as I "wash" it away or maybe saying good-bye to a lingering ache or pain. But saying good-bye to your husband as he leaves again to serve our great country, just seems like cruel and unusual punishment, when he just returned 4 months ago.

I know where he's going and what he's doing and it's not an unsafe place, so it's not that I'm concerned about that. It's the physical separation yet again. Yet again me picking up the pieces for our SBG. Me having to watch as her behavior and attitudes have changed for the worse (and me having an "a-ha" moment, realizing the changes occurred after we mentioned daddy was leaving again). How much separation can a nearly 3-year old, very wise for her age, little girl take? Her daddy has already missed out on more than a year of her "time-is-flying-way-too-fast" life.

I think this gets harder for me as I feel like I am being pushed aside (and our SBG) for things beyond my control. I feel helpless and hopeless when I am left to sort out my feelings on my own. I want my husband to hold me and never let me go before he leaves, but he chooses to turn and run as fast as he can.

So here I am at almost 11PM pecking away at my keyboard trying to make some sense out of his departure and waiting impatiently now for an email to let me know he is safely at this destination. I have been up since 4:45AM when he woke up our SBG (her choice)to tell us good-bye. Other than the 30 minute or so snooze I had while laying in bed with my SBG at bedtime tonight.

Hopefully this too shall pass and quickly. I do need to shake the negative feelings I have, so I can celebrate my birthday tomorrow with friends and Sat. with my mom and of course, my SBG will be here every day.