Long time, no see

I haven't had that urge to write my feelings down in blog form for a while. But it hit me tonight. As my SBG is sitting on the floor, totally engrossed in Tangled for the umpteenth time, I felt I would take advantage of my "free time" and write again. My hubby is gone *again*. He left in July and will return in December. Before he left, I told him, very seriously, that if he chose to take this military class our daughter and I would be going with him and staying with him. I meant it! I meant it with all my heart. And I did it! I packed up our stuff and we traveled across the country. And my SBG and I stayed... for 5 weeks. I had been unemployed for 1 semester (as I stated in previous posts), but was called back to work in Jan. 2011. I thought for sure I would be laid off again this school year. But 2 weeks before school started I was notified we would start work on time this year. So after a lot of thinking and praying, I decided to pack up our stuff and move back home. I don't regret it. I needed this time. I love my husband. But I am having a very, very hard time with all this separation and the way our lives are growing further and further apart each day. I feel like I am the only wife of a soldier who doesn't feel just pride and support for my soldier. Of course, I am proud of the work he does. I also despise it. I am left out of a huge part of his life. I never know the "whole truth" about what he does. I am left alone and left to pick up the pieces he leaves behind seemingly with no problem whatsoever. How can a dad leave his child for half of her life and be okay with that? How can he go to bed at night knowing he has a child who could care less he is making money, but wants her daddy to kiss her good night and tuck her in bed and play with her. So am I the only American wife of a soldier who does not "understand" how it is okay to leave his wife and child for months at a time, to not be able to tell us exactly what he is doing, and to act like everything is just as it was before he left when he returns home? It's not okay. It wasn't okay 12 years ago when I told him before we were married that I wanted no part of being a soldier's wife. It wasn't okay 8 years ago when he signed back up for service against my wishes. It's not okay now and it won't be okay the next time he goes away either. People say they admire the strength of the soldier's wife. Really? It's not about being strong. It's about survival. I don't have a choice as far as I am concerned. I haveto get up in the morning and put a smile on my face because I have a child who needs me. I have to deal with the separation, not because I support it, but because I made a commitment to my husband to be married to him till death do us part. I don't like it. I don't agree with it. I don't understand it. But I do it. And I hope and pray that the effects of these deployments and periods of absence do not negatively affect our little girl and her future relationships. So as we celebrated my b-day, his b-day and our daughter's b-day apart and as Thanksgiving and our 12th anniversary approach, I am sitting here wondering how long am I going to be able to deal with this lifestyle *he* has chosen for us.

Can't sleep

It's 12:12 AM (as in past midnight) and I am wide-awake in a non-caffeinated state of surprising alertness. My SBG is snuggled safely in bed. I just finished yet another round of tackling wallpaper removal in the bathroom. Being unemployed has some definite advantages (i.e. trying my hand at much-needed home improvement projects).

My SBG and I were able to Skype with hubby this afternoon. It's always bittersweet when we Skype. I love seeing that he is okay and especially love seeing my daughter's eyes light up at the mere sight of her "hero-daddy". She asked him things like, "How ya doing, Daddy?" as she shyly snuggled her face into the crevice of my neck and shoulder wearing a smile that stretched across her entire face. Nothing is more sweet than that.

It's bitter because I don't want to see him on a computer screen half-way across the world. I want to see him interacting with his daughter here. Which reminds me it was the cutest thing ever as we were talking, my SBG reached her chubby little fingers up to the laptop screen and "held" her daddy's hand as she spoke to him. My heart melted.

But back to the bitter. I'm bitter because I don't understand why he has time to spend hours eating out with his Army friends, but talks for 10 minutes on Skype with me and falls asleep mid-conversation. I have no idea if he is sight-seeing on his down time or if he is working so long each day he goes back to his room and crashes.

I just want, for once, to be first on his long list of priorities. Just once I want to be the one who gets the best of him. I want to see him wide-awake, talkative, laughing. I want to be the one having fun with him.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn... guess I am getting sleepy finally. Better get to bed, so I can get some sleep before I see those big, blue eyes and bouncing, blonde curls come my way.

Coming home with no homecoming

I am so extremely frustrated. This deployment is bad enough without having to "fight" for things that are just given to everyone else. So now because 1 or 2 people have said they don't want an official homecoming ceremony, it looks like there will not be one for anyone. Let's see what else we can do to make it seem as though MY family means nothing.

I have waited SIX MONTHS to see my husband and our 2-year old has waited SIX MONTHS to see her daddy and of course we will be celebrating and having our own homecoming, but the "official" YAY! the soldiers are home! Homecoming ceremony will never be.

So I am going to write to whomever I can to let them know that DEPLOYMENTS SUCK (sorry can't think of a better word to use) and to make it even worse deployments with ZERO support from our "military friends" (I use the term "friends" very loosely) suck even more.

Just because my soldier isn't living on a base doesn't make his life (and HOMECOMING) any less important. Just because my soldier's deployment date was moved up, making an FRG "impossible" doesn't mean I don't need support. And just because my soldier happens to be with other soldiers who don't want to take the time to participate in a homecoming ceremony doesn't mean the other soldiers coming home with him and our families don't want the homecoming that EVERY soldier deserves.

I just want to scream and shout and let everyone know that what you see on TV doesn't happen for everyone. The crowds of people with banners welcoming home the troops apparently only happens if the "right" people want it to happen.

So guess what?????? I am going to MAKE it happen! I may not be able to have an "official-stamped-with-the-Army's-seal" homecoming ceremony, but I will have a homecoming celebration complete with many people holding signs and wearing t-shirts welcoming MY soldier home. No one can stop that!

What happened????

My mom took my daughter for the evening, so I could get some work done. As soon as she pulled out of the driveway, I had tears come to my eyes. I felt like my whole life just left... first my husband and now my baby. I know it's a good thing for my daughter to spend time away from me. It's good for both of us. I just reacted in an unexpected emotional way. I took a nice, long bath and read a parenting magazine, then made dinner and worked for awhile. But just a few minutes after my daughter left, my husband called me. He called me yesterday to tell me he was leaving the country and where he would be going. Then called me today to tell me where he is. It's hard to believe he will be gone for such a long time without seeing us at all. He was deployed for a year to Ft. Leonard Wood, but we were close enough we saw each other almost every weekend. He was been to Benning and Huachuca too for several months each time. But each time he flew home and/or I flew there to see him to break up the time. This is the longest he will be away without coming home and the first time in our 10 year marriage that we will not be together for Christmas. I hear our daughter every time she hears anything that remotely sounds like a door opening saying "Daddy's here?" and it breaks my heart. I have to tell her "No, daddy's not here. He won't be home for a long time." Tonight she pointed to our large wedding portrait and said,"I see Daddy." So I took her to the picture and she said, "I touch it." Even though her daddy has been gone many times before and for longer periods of time, she already must sense this is way different. She wears her little pin proudly proclaiming "A piece of my heart is in Afghanistan" and doesn't want to take it off. We also have a bowl of m&ms next to her fish. Every morning she feeds her fish and eats 1 m&m. When the m&ms are gone, daddy will be home. I don't think I will ever get used to this.

Back to blogging...

I decided I need a place where I can blog "anonymously". I used to blog on myspace about my infertility journey. Now I have a beautiful, amazing nearly 2 year-old little girl. You may think my journey has ended... not by a long shot! My journey has just begun.

Now I have entered the world of parenting while also being the wife of a full-time police officer/part-time soldier. Life is crazy right now. My husband is deploying soon to Afghanistan. I am trying to be a mommy, a teacher, and take care of the house, finances, etc. Will I ever have time just for me? Sure, in about 16 years!

I have so many emotions stirring around... I long for a time when I can just have a "normal" life. I have to had to "fight" for everything. I got married at 27, went through 7 1/2 years of infertility (and 4 years of medical treatments). I went back to college after I got married and finished my Bachelor's degree just before I turned 30. So now at 37 (wow, can't believe I am 37) I have been married 10 yrs (next month), have a 2-year old (next month), am a full-time teacher, and am exhausted trying to do it all.