Can't sleep

It's 12:12 AM (as in past midnight) and I am wide-awake in a non-caffeinated state of surprising alertness. My SBG is snuggled safely in bed. I just finished yet another round of tackling wallpaper removal in the bathroom. Being unemployed has some definite advantages (i.e. trying my hand at much-needed home improvement projects).

My SBG and I were able to Skype with hubby this afternoon. It's always bittersweet when we Skype. I love seeing that he is okay and especially love seeing my daughter's eyes light up at the mere sight of her "hero-daddy". She asked him things like, "How ya doing, Daddy?" as she shyly snuggled her face into the crevice of my neck and shoulder wearing a smile that stretched across her entire face. Nothing is more sweet than that.

It's bitter because I don't want to see him on a computer screen half-way across the world. I want to see him interacting with his daughter here. Which reminds me it was the cutest thing ever as we were talking, my SBG reached her chubby little fingers up to the laptop screen and "held" her daddy's hand as she spoke to him. My heart melted.

But back to the bitter. I'm bitter because I don't understand why he has time to spend hours eating out with his Army friends, but talks for 10 minutes on Skype with me and falls asleep mid-conversation. I have no idea if he is sight-seeing on his down time or if he is working so long each day he goes back to his room and crashes.

I just want, for once, to be first on his long list of priorities. Just once I want to be the one who gets the best of him. I want to see him wide-awake, talkative, laughing. I want to be the one having fun with him.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn... guess I am getting sleepy finally. Better get to bed, so I can get some sleep before I see those big, blue eyes and bouncing, blonde curls come my way.

good-bye again

Good-byes are never fun, never easy, unless it's saying good-bye to someone I don't care for or saying good-bye to a gray hair as I "wash" it away or maybe saying good-bye to a lingering ache or pain. But saying good-bye to your husband as he leaves again to serve our great country, just seems like cruel and unusual punishment, when he just returned 4 months ago.

I know where he's going and what he's doing and it's not an unsafe place, so it's not that I'm concerned about that. It's the physical separation yet again. Yet again me picking up the pieces for our SBG. Me having to watch as her behavior and attitudes have changed for the worse (and me having an "a-ha" moment, realizing the changes occurred after we mentioned daddy was leaving again). How much separation can a nearly 3-year old, very wise for her age, little girl take? Her daddy has already missed out on more than a year of her "time-is-flying-way-too-fast" life.

I think this gets harder for me as I feel like I am being pushed aside (and our SBG) for things beyond my control. I feel helpless and hopeless when I am left to sort out my feelings on my own. I want my husband to hold me and never let me go before he leaves, but he chooses to turn and run as fast as he can.

So here I am at almost 11PM pecking away at my keyboard trying to make some sense out of his departure and waiting impatiently now for an email to let me know he is safely at this destination. I have been up since 4:45AM when he woke up our SBG (her choice)to tell us good-bye. Other than the 30 minute or so snooze I had while laying in bed with my SBG at bedtime tonight.

Hopefully this too shall pass and quickly. I do need to shake the negative feelings I have, so I can celebrate my birthday tomorrow with friends and Sat. with my mom and of course, my SBG will be here every day.

The UnEmployed ME

So I guess I am the only one who can be so incredibly overjoyed at the fact I am unemployed and at the same time being insanely nervous and worried. First, I wanted to be home with my SBG every day and be her primary caregiver. I wanted to be the one to see every special moment, every "a-ha" light bulb that goes off in that imaginary cartoon bubble above her little, curly-haired head. But I wanted to do it on my terms. I didn't want to be forced into being just another number, just one more jobless American, just one more teacher without a classroom. Be careful what you wish for...it may just come true. So here I sit at 10:45PM on a Sunday night with my SBG tucked safely in her too-big-for-a-princess queen-sized bed surfing the internet, reading others' blogs, looking at Facebook, rather than hoping my SBG will sleep soundly until 7AM, so I can wake her up after I get myself up and ready for work, running around with sweat beads on my forehead as I try to gather up all my bags for work and her bag for school. I love, love, love being home with her. I can't say that enough. I just wish I could have made this happen on my time schedule, not the state's. And ironically, I am just as nervous about getting the phone call letting me know I have my job back as I am to have to call that dreaded hot-line to certify that I am truly unemployed.

Hi Gramma!

To conclude the last post... I ended up spotting the following day and for a few days after. On the next cycle.

I wrote a long post the other day and then "lost" it. Grrrr... I will try to re-create it as best I can. I wrote a while back about my great-grandma. She passed away in April. I am so extremely fortunate to have known my great-grandma for 37 years! And to top that I also had the priveledge of knowing my great-great grandma for 23 years! Not many people can say that.

So the other day my SBG went to my newly cleaned bedroom and found an old hymn book from church. I recently re-decorated our bedroom (a surprise given to my husband when he returned from his deployment) and I had some old books my grandpa gave me, so I put them in a lined wicker basket and placed them on my night stand to add a little to the decor (and strategically placed to hide the hideous eyesore of an alarm clock we have). So as I was saying, my SBG found this hymn book and I asked her if she wanted to sing songs from it. She said yes with a huge smile on her sweet face. With that I took the song book and we headed to the living room where we both lay on the couch preparing to sing our little hearts out. I opened the song book, which I haven't looked at in a very long time and had never really paid attention to this inside front cover. It read "this book belongs to ... and had my great-grandma's name and address".

I smiled, looked up and said, "Hi Gramma!" and then my SBG and I sang church songs for about 20 minutes (-:

Define ME

I was trying to think of a title and wondered "what defines me?" I thought of so many things... I am a Christian, a woman, a wife, mother, daughter, friend, police wife, Army NG wife, teacher (unemployed as of today) and infertile (augh... what a word). So I guess in trying to decide how I could choose a title I figured the best thing was "Define ME"... and that is what I intend to do. With each post, I hope that who I am becomes a little bit clearer, not only to anyone who may read this, but to myself.

So here goes... my most recent feelings have been regarding the "infertile" me. First, let me say I am truly blessed and never take one moment for granted with my 2-year old. She is everything I wished for, dreamed about, and more than I ever could have imagined. If I don't have any more children, I can honestly say, she is all I need. I am so happy to have her in my life. She has the sweetest disposition (don't know where she gets it from), telling me "thank you mommy for my food" or "thank you mommy for putting my clothes on me". I mean the smallest things I do for her without even thinking about and she is sure to let me know how much she appreciates me.

That said, lately, as in the past couple months, I have had that nagging, will not leave my brain, feeling again... ya know that one that screams "I WANT ANOTHER BABY" so loud it hurts? Ya, that one. I think one reason is that my sweet, precious "baby" isn't a baby anymore. She's almost 3. Another reason, that sweet, precious big girl is constantly talking about a brother or a sister. Usually it's a brother. Sometimes a sister. Insert knife in heart. I would LOVE to say to her she will have a brother or sister someday, but I just don't know. 7 1/2 years of TTC (that's trying to conceive in case you aren't a fellow TTCer and have no idea of the acronym)before getting pregnant with her was a LONG time. A journey that will be a part of our lives forever. It has played a part in defining who I am today. It has played a part in how I parent, how I relate to others, how I live each day, even still. And I can say that as much as I went through. As hard as it was. I would do it all over again, if the path leads me to my Sweet Big Girl (as she no longer allows me to say "Sweet Baby Girl"). She is worth every year, every dollar, every tear, every shot, every pill, every blood draw, every staple, every stitch, every IV, everything I had to endure. And I guess that is why I want to do it again. I want to experience this joy and love and fun and excitement with another person too. Or with 2 more people or even 3 or 4 more. My husband and I always wanted 5 kids. We know realistically that is not going to happen now. But we are both getting that "baby fever" again. So I decided to chart again this month. I haven't done this for years. I won't go into detail, but charting your basal body temperature is one way to help with planning a family. I had a textbook chart. I ovulated on cycle day 14 (cd14) and had a 14 day luteal phase (LP). I started AF (aunt flo...aka menstruation)on Thursday (2 days ago) and although I had "symptoms" such as being super tired and feeling bloated and being thirsty and blah, blah, blah... none of it mattered when I took my temp Thurs AM and as I was taking it AF made her appearance.

Then that day turned into a super, great day! My cousin had her baby boy (3 1/2 weeks early) and my long-time friend was coming to visit me (it had been a year since we had seen each other). All was well with the world again.

I just let the whole "may be pregnant" thought escape my mind. Today I took my SBG (Sweet Big Girl, I think that will be her name on here now) to a birthday party and realized that by 1:30PM my AF had stopped her visit. So now here I sit wondering what in the world is going on??? Am I starting early menopause? Did AF just decide to go for a walk and she'll return in a few hours? Am I? Could I possibly be? NO! Don't even let that thought creep into the surface of your brain.

And that is where I am right now... wondering what is going on???? (uh-oh is that a slight cramp I feel????)

Welcome Back!

It's been a long time since I have written. I know at this point no one is reading. I don't care. I just want my feelings and comments down for me to read. I titled this "Welcome Back" for 2 reasons... Number ONE ... My husband has returned from Afghanistan and actually has been home for 3 months! It's amazing how fast 3 months flies by when he's here and how S-L-O-W 3 months drags on when he is gone. The second reason for the title is I am back on here writing (-: I think I am going to change the blog title and the focus (or rather NOT focus). So I am hoping to use this to write about anything and everything going on in my/life. I hope to spend at least one night a week to get everything out.

Stick a fork in me... I'M DONE!

This should have been a great day home with my daughter. Instead I was stressed out, feeling sad and lonely and had some really bad feelings resurface. Most of this stemmed from the 2-year old who would not nap. Then some of it was just my feelings of wanting this deployment to end. And a little bit of old feelings that happened to creep to the front of my mind, instead of staying tucked deep inside the back of my mind. I am tired of being a single-parent, I am tired of going to be alone every night and waking up alone every morning, I am tired of doing ALL the chores and errands and still working full-time and being a full-time momma. I am exhausted. I am lonely. I am ready to be a wife and mommy (as opposed to being mommy AND daddy right now).

Rough Day

So I received a text from hubby last night saying he is sick. He ended up texting me a few times until I finally went to bed about 12:45AM! He said he had a fever, chills, and muscle aches. He was given several medications. I, of course, feel horrible. He is in Afghanistan, it's not like I can help any. And apparently, there are no sick days when you are deployed. So he is still working his regular 10-12 hour shifts.

Today I am exhausted from finally having a night with adults. (-: I stayed out until 10:30PM! And then the girl/friend/co-worker who took care of my 2-year old daughter and I stayed up until midnight chatting. I think we both just needed someone to talk to. Lonely? Perhaps.

My daughter has had some rough days lately. Wanting mommy at bed time, nap time and any time I am busy with something. Wanting nothing to do with mommy when I am free, ready to play and wanting to hold her. Grrrrrr...

I finally was able to get her to nap at 3PM. It's now 6:12PM and she is still napping. This should be a fun night. At least I have gotten some laundry done, work done, eating done... and ... I hear a little one...

Delayed homecoming

So hubby called last night and there is now going to be a homecoming (and I didn't even have to write and get nasty to anyone (-;). The catch is, it will be 30 days AFTER the soldiers return home. Whatever. It is what it is. Go with the flow. Don't worry, be happy. Pick your battles. Ya know, all the cliches. So (yoga pose and breathing ... in through the nose, out through the mouth...)... I'm letting it go.

My spring break is drawing to an end and then it's going to BUSY time. Augh. I have been working, not on work stuff, but *manual labor* stuff at home all week. And I have so much more to do.

I found out yesterday that my great-grandma now has cancer. She is 96. I guess if there is a "good" time to get cancer, it's when you are 96. But it doesn't make it any less sad. I am thinking positive and she is thinking positive (at least outwardly), so I am looking forward to celebrating her 100th b-day in 3 1/2 years!

I am exhausted. I think the over-tired, not giving in to sleep, 2-year old is now finally asleep. So I will try to stay awake long enough to read a few more pages in that last Twilight book that I can't seem to finish the last 100 pages.

Looking forward to hubby's return. Feeling like it so close, yet so far away.

Coming home with no homecoming

I am so extremely frustrated. This deployment is bad enough without having to "fight" for things that are just given to everyone else. So now because 1 or 2 people have said they don't want an official homecoming ceremony, it looks like there will not be one for anyone. Let's see what else we can do to make it seem as though MY family means nothing.

I have waited SIX MONTHS to see my husband and our 2-year old has waited SIX MONTHS to see her daddy and of course we will be celebrating and having our own homecoming, but the "official" YAY! the soldiers are home! Homecoming ceremony will never be.

So I am going to write to whomever I can to let them know that DEPLOYMENTS SUCK (sorry can't think of a better word to use) and to make it even worse deployments with ZERO support from our "military friends" (I use the term "friends" very loosely) suck even more.

Just because my soldier isn't living on a base doesn't make his life (and HOMECOMING) any less important. Just because my soldier's deployment date was moved up, making an FRG "impossible" doesn't mean I don't need support. And just because my soldier happens to be with other soldiers who don't want to take the time to participate in a homecoming ceremony doesn't mean the other soldiers coming home with him and our families don't want the homecoming that EVERY soldier deserves.

I just want to scream and shout and let everyone know that what you see on TV doesn't happen for everyone. The crowds of people with banners welcoming home the troops apparently only happens if the "right" people want it to happen.

So guess what?????? I am going to MAKE it happen! I may not be able to have an "official-stamped-with-the-Army's-seal" homecoming ceremony, but I will have a homecoming celebration complete with many people holding signs and wearing t-shirts welcoming MY soldier home. No one can stop that!

Our Story...

I know not every soldier is going to be in the news or even in a local newspaper, but for some reason it is really bothering me right now that no one knows OUR story. I see stories on the news, online, in newspapers and just saw an article w/ several pictures that were taken at the deployment ceremony for my husband. Not one mention of his name, not one picture of him or our daughter or family. It makes me sad. I feel like when there were only 18 soldiers leaving on this deployment and it is in the paper that ALL of the soldiers should have at least had their name mentioned. I saw 2 pics of little girls and I am just thinking, what about OUR little girl??? She was just celebrating her 2nd b-day when her daddy left. He missed OUR Thanksgiving, OUR 10-year anniversary, OUR Christmas, many birthdays (including siblings, parents, and nephews), OUR Valentine's day, and will be missing OUR St. Patrick's Day, OUR Easter and OUR life! There have been deaths, pregnancies announced, milestones reached (potty training, 2-year molars breaking through, language developments)and 180 days will have passed before he returns. I miss my husband as much as any other woman misses hers. Our daughter misses her daddy as much as any other child misses his/her parent. I guess I am at the point now where I just want him to be home again. I just want our family back. I want to feel his touch, see his smile, hold his hand, kiss him, hug him, and talk to him.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with deployment, just like with grieving a loss or a divorce. I didn't have a guidebook to tell me what to do or how to feel. I just have to feel my way through this darkened, hallway and clear away the cobwebs as I slowly trudge forward one step at a time. There are things in our bedroom that I haven't touched since he left. I hadn't even realized there was a sweatshirt hanging from the closet door on his side of the closet until several weeks after he left. I couldn't bring myself to move it. It's something he put there before he left and I want it to stay that way until he is home and can put it somewhere else (preferably IN the closet (-:).

I will admit I have had very few tears shed since he left. I haven't really allowed myself to "go there". I am in Mommy-mode 24/7 and put my "wife hat" on the shelf the moment he said "good-by", taking it down and putting it on briefly when he is able to make a phone call or send an e-mail or talk to me on Skype. I can't wait to wear my "wife hat" again.

chickened out

So I guess I just chickened out and stopped this. But I really want to get back to it. So here goes. Last night was so scary. My husband called me from Afghanistan and very abruptly said he had to go because something was going down. My heart sank, just a little bit. I know he has said this before and he's still okay. So I wasn't upset, but as I said my heart sank just a little. Literally 2 minutes later a co-worker/friend/"babysitter" of my child texted me that there was a hostage situation in a local store. I immediately called a friend/fellow IVFer/spouse of a police officer and soldier and asked her what was going on. She informed me her hubby was on his way back to town from a training and all officers were called in. My heart sank a little more. Although my husband wasn't here in this situation, all his co-workers and some of them close friends, were and it was scary. I was home sick, our daughter was at daycare and there was nothing I could do. I didn't know the status of my husband overseas and I didn't know the status of the police officers here in town. My husband ended up calling me because he heard through his Col. that a police officer here was shot in the standoff. I didn't believe that to be true because I hadn't heard that from anyone and the news was reporting no injuries. But again my heart sank a little. What if I missed something? What if I wasn't called because they hadn't informed all the family yet? What if? What if? I reassured my hubby that I had not heard anything like that and didn't think it was so. Then immediately called my friend (mentioned above) again and asked her if that was true. Thankfully, no it was not true. Oh, how I hate rumors! The situation ended after about 5 hours with police officers, SWAT team, robots, etc. The gunman was only 19 and he ended his own life, sparing the lives of all others. However, prior to killing himself, he fired 15-20 rounds at police officers. So scary. I am a police wife and a military wife. I expected to be dealing with 2 situations at the same time like I was last night. I was so relieved and so thankful for the safety of all those involved. I went to bed snuggling with the last t-shirt my husband wore before he left on his deployment and praying...thanks to God for keeping our officers and those involved safe and a prayer for the family and friends of the man who chose to end his own life.

I certainly hope things start looking brighter and I have more positive news to post!