Rough Day

So I received a text from hubby last night saying he is sick. He ended up texting me a few times until I finally went to bed about 12:45AM! He said he had a fever, chills, and muscle aches. He was given several medications. I, of course, feel horrible. He is in Afghanistan, it's not like I can help any. And apparently, there are no sick days when you are deployed. So he is still working his regular 10-12 hour shifts.

Today I am exhausted from finally having a night with adults. (-: I stayed out until 10:30PM! And then the girl/friend/co-worker who took care of my 2-year old daughter and I stayed up until midnight chatting. I think we both just needed someone to talk to. Lonely? Perhaps.

My daughter has had some rough days lately. Wanting mommy at bed time, nap time and any time I am busy with something. Wanting nothing to do with mommy when I am free, ready to play and wanting to hold her. Grrrrrr...

I finally was able to get her to nap at 3PM. It's now 6:12PM and she is still napping. This should be a fun night. At least I have gotten some laundry done, work done, eating done... and ... I hear a little one...

Delayed homecoming

So hubby called last night and there is now going to be a homecoming (and I didn't even have to write and get nasty to anyone (-;). The catch is, it will be 30 days AFTER the soldiers return home. Whatever. It is what it is. Go with the flow. Don't worry, be happy. Pick your battles. Ya know, all the cliches. So (yoga pose and breathing ... in through the nose, out through the mouth...)... I'm letting it go.

My spring break is drawing to an end and then it's going to BUSY time. Augh. I have been working, not on work stuff, but *manual labor* stuff at home all week. And I have so much more to do.

I found out yesterday that my great-grandma now has cancer. She is 96. I guess if there is a "good" time to get cancer, it's when you are 96. But it doesn't make it any less sad. I am thinking positive and she is thinking positive (at least outwardly), so I am looking forward to celebrating her 100th b-day in 3 1/2 years!

I am exhausted. I think the over-tired, not giving in to sleep, 2-year old is now finally asleep. So I will try to stay awake long enough to read a few more pages in that last Twilight book that I can't seem to finish the last 100 pages.

Looking forward to hubby's return. Feeling like it so close, yet so far away.

Coming home with no homecoming

I am so extremely frustrated. This deployment is bad enough without having to "fight" for things that are just given to everyone else. So now because 1 or 2 people have said they don't want an official homecoming ceremony, it looks like there will not be one for anyone. Let's see what else we can do to make it seem as though MY family means nothing.

I have waited SIX MONTHS to see my husband and our 2-year old has waited SIX MONTHS to see her daddy and of course we will be celebrating and having our own homecoming, but the "official" YAY! the soldiers are home! Homecoming ceremony will never be.

So I am going to write to whomever I can to let them know that DEPLOYMENTS SUCK (sorry can't think of a better word to use) and to make it even worse deployments with ZERO support from our "military friends" (I use the term "friends" very loosely) suck even more.

Just because my soldier isn't living on a base doesn't make his life (and HOMECOMING) any less important. Just because my soldier's deployment date was moved up, making an FRG "impossible" doesn't mean I don't need support. And just because my soldier happens to be with other soldiers who don't want to take the time to participate in a homecoming ceremony doesn't mean the other soldiers coming home with him and our families don't want the homecoming that EVERY soldier deserves.

I just want to scream and shout and let everyone know that what you see on TV doesn't happen for everyone. The crowds of people with banners welcoming home the troops apparently only happens if the "right" people want it to happen.

So guess what?????? I am going to MAKE it happen! I may not be able to have an "official-stamped-with-the-Army's-seal" homecoming ceremony, but I will have a homecoming celebration complete with many people holding signs and wearing t-shirts welcoming MY soldier home. No one can stop that!

Our Story...

I know not every soldier is going to be in the news or even in a local newspaper, but for some reason it is really bothering me right now that no one knows OUR story. I see stories on the news, online, in newspapers and just saw an article w/ several pictures that were taken at the deployment ceremony for my husband. Not one mention of his name, not one picture of him or our daughter or family. It makes me sad. I feel like when there were only 18 soldiers leaving on this deployment and it is in the paper that ALL of the soldiers should have at least had their name mentioned. I saw 2 pics of little girls and I am just thinking, what about OUR little girl??? She was just celebrating her 2nd b-day when her daddy left. He missed OUR Thanksgiving, OUR 10-year anniversary, OUR Christmas, many birthdays (including siblings, parents, and nephews), OUR Valentine's day, and will be missing OUR St. Patrick's Day, OUR Easter and OUR life! There have been deaths, pregnancies announced, milestones reached (potty training, 2-year molars breaking through, language developments)and 180 days will have passed before he returns. I miss my husband as much as any other woman misses hers. Our daughter misses her daddy as much as any other child misses his/her parent. I guess I am at the point now where I just want him to be home again. I just want our family back. I want to feel his touch, see his smile, hold his hand, kiss him, hug him, and talk to him.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with deployment, just like with grieving a loss or a divorce. I didn't have a guidebook to tell me what to do or how to feel. I just have to feel my way through this darkened, hallway and clear away the cobwebs as I slowly trudge forward one step at a time. There are things in our bedroom that I haven't touched since he left. I hadn't even realized there was a sweatshirt hanging from the closet door on his side of the closet until several weeks after he left. I couldn't bring myself to move it. It's something he put there before he left and I want it to stay that way until he is home and can put it somewhere else (preferably IN the closet (-:).

I will admit I have had very few tears shed since he left. I haven't really allowed myself to "go there". I am in Mommy-mode 24/7 and put my "wife hat" on the shelf the moment he said "good-by", taking it down and putting it on briefly when he is able to make a phone call or send an e-mail or talk to me on Skype. I can't wait to wear my "wife hat" again.

chickened out

So I guess I just chickened out and stopped this. But I really want to get back to it. So here goes. Last night was so scary. My husband called me from Afghanistan and very abruptly said he had to go because something was going down. My heart sank, just a little bit. I know he has said this before and he's still okay. So I wasn't upset, but as I said my heart sank just a little. Literally 2 minutes later a co-worker/friend/"babysitter" of my child texted me that there was a hostage situation in a local store. I immediately called a friend/fellow IVFer/spouse of a police officer and soldier and asked her what was going on. She informed me her hubby was on his way back to town from a training and all officers were called in. My heart sank a little more. Although my husband wasn't here in this situation, all his co-workers and some of them close friends, were and it was scary. I was home sick, our daughter was at daycare and there was nothing I could do. I didn't know the status of my husband overseas and I didn't know the status of the police officers here in town. My husband ended up calling me because he heard through his Col. that a police officer here was shot in the standoff. I didn't believe that to be true because I hadn't heard that from anyone and the news was reporting no injuries. But again my heart sank a little. What if I missed something? What if I wasn't called because they hadn't informed all the family yet? What if? What if? I reassured my hubby that I had not heard anything like that and didn't think it was so. Then immediately called my friend (mentioned above) again and asked her if that was true. Thankfully, no it was not true. Oh, how I hate rumors! The situation ended after about 5 hours with police officers, SWAT team, robots, etc. The gunman was only 19 and he ended his own life, sparing the lives of all others. However, prior to killing himself, he fired 15-20 rounds at police officers. So scary. I am a police wife and a military wife. I expected to be dealing with 2 situations at the same time like I was last night. I was so relieved and so thankful for the safety of all those involved. I went to bed snuggling with the last t-shirt my husband wore before he left on his deployment and praying...thanks to God for keeping our officers and those involved safe and a prayer for the family and friends of the man who chose to end his own life.

I certainly hope things start looking brighter and I have more positive news to post!

What happened????

My mom took my daughter for the evening, so I could get some work done. As soon as she pulled out of the driveway, I had tears come to my eyes. I felt like my whole life just left... first my husband and now my baby. I know it's a good thing for my daughter to spend time away from me. It's good for both of us. I just reacted in an unexpected emotional way. I took a nice, long bath and read a parenting magazine, then made dinner and worked for awhile. But just a few minutes after my daughter left, my husband called me. He called me yesterday to tell me he was leaving the country and where he would be going. Then called me today to tell me where he is. It's hard to believe he will be gone for such a long time without seeing us at all. He was deployed for a year to Ft. Leonard Wood, but we were close enough we saw each other almost every weekend. He was been to Benning and Huachuca too for several months each time. But each time he flew home and/or I flew there to see him to break up the time. This is the longest he will be away without coming home and the first time in our 10 year marriage that we will not be together for Christmas. I hear our daughter every time she hears anything that remotely sounds like a door opening saying "Daddy's here?" and it breaks my heart. I have to tell her "No, daddy's not here. He won't be home for a long time." Tonight she pointed to our large wedding portrait and said,"I see Daddy." So I took her to the picture and she said, "I touch it." Even though her daddy has been gone many times before and for longer periods of time, she already must sense this is way different. She wears her little pin proudly proclaiming "A piece of my heart is in Afghanistan" and doesn't want to take it off. We also have a bowl of m&ms next to her fish. Every morning she feeds her fish and eats 1 m&m. When the m&ms are gone, daddy will be home. I don't think I will ever get used to this.

Best gift ever!!

I found out today that my husband will be coming home for my daughter's 2nd birthday party! This is the best gift he could give both her and me. If I could choose 1 special occasion I would want my husband to be home for, it's definitely our daughter's b-day party. Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter are all holidays that are special, but our little girl's birthday party is the MOST special day for her and her alone. The plane ticket is crazy expensive and normally I would be cringing at the thought of spending that money on a plane ticket. However, in this situation I told him that money could not be spent on anything better. The memories we will have and the pictures our daughter will have with my husband present are worth all the money it costs and NOTHING we would buy with that money would be more important than our daughter having her daddy home for her b-day. I texted hubby and told him he just made my week!